One of my most favorite lines ever comes from a lesser known “modern day spiritual messenger” named Neale Donald Walsch,
"All human actions are motivated at their deepest level by two emotions-- fear or love. In truth there are only two emotions--only two words in the language of the soul.... Fear wraps our bodies in clothing, love allows us to stand naked. Fear clings to and clutches all that we have, love gives all that we have away. Fear holds close, love holds dear. Fear grasps, love lets go. Fear rankles, love soothes. Fear attacks, love amends."
Neale Donald Walsch, Conversations with God: An Uncommon Dialogue, Book 1
These words stuck with me. And I could see a pattern how I often did things out of fear and also out of love. And how different they both felt.
If we want to take this whole process and explain it using very basic arithmetic, this article is for you. This is no formula, it is just a way that helps you better visualize things.
Step 1. Denoting your feelings by numbers
For starters, let us put a number for the time when you feel neutral, neither in fear nor in love, bored or excited, sad or happy. The simplest way to define this mental state is with the number 0. Now let's say when you are charged with positive emotions, that value is +1, +2 or something else depending on the intensity. And when you are charged with negative feelings of fear, shame , anger , sadness, that value is -1, -2, -3 etc.
Stay with me for a little longer. Because seeing things this way might open up to a certain level of clarity that might otherwise be invisible.
Step 2. Positioning the rubber band
Now think of your mental state as being perpendicular to the numbers line of mood. And it is always resting on 0. However as with any band, it can be pushed or pulled, and it will always tend to go back to the original state again.
You saw a great movie: you move to +1, after a while, without any effort, you will be back to 0 again. Feel really angry about something that went wrong earlier in the day? Maybe your mood is at -2, but unless you keep pushing the band back, rethinking about the thing that made you angry, you will go back to 0 or neutral state again.
Of course this doesn't apply when someone is going through a persistent crisis or depression. But still this movement of emotional states might often hold true.
Like Tanu puts it, Small Departure from that point reverts back to that point.
Here it is put into a quick illustration:
Step 3. Our pull to neutrality, and the differing impact of Manipulation
The band always wants to stay at 0, to be honest. you can pump it up with goal defining and motivational songs and morning routines. And get some work done, but eventually it will rest easily at 0. It is never in any hurry to bend into a +1.
However, it really hates going to a negative state, or it is highly inclined for loss aversion rather than gaining momentum. So whenever I feel bad or afraid- the pull is stronger to get back into a neutral 0, than just the pure motivation to pursue becoming a +1.
This is the step where you can understand a bit about manipulation and motivation.
The two sides of the same coin. If you observe, you will see that people are always pursuing you using essentially one or the other technique. And it is all done in 3 bits.
First bit is always your neutral state or 0. Second bit, when the influencer touches your mind with his or her words, making you feel worse about being a disappointment today (-1). You want to get back to a neutral place and work to make them happy. This gets a much quicker response in general. Which is why more bosses are angry and menacing rather than inspiring. Which is why a lot of the ads first invent problems that were never there, just to push a product. Like how they target mothers to feel guilty about her kids not getting taller or smarter just because she isn't buying a particular brand of cereal or drink for her kids. Once you act on their influence, you reach the last bit, depending on what you did, your mood now can be +1, 0 or something in between.
Some people are masters of making you feel bad about yourself just to get you to bend to their will. You feel horrible under their menacing presence when they choose to engage it, you feel -2 And you do their work just to get to a stage of 0. On an average, even though you feel relieved, you spent it in a mostly negative zone of -1.
On the other hand there are others who make you feel good about pursuing something from the start, getting you to a +1. The work can be tough, pushing you back to a -1 at times, but once you are done, you feel great at a +1. On an average it is still a mostly positive feeling (+.33 here if we are using kindergarten math).
My friend Tanay added a nice example here, that the motivational speakers actually use the same technique to hook people in their products or lectures. the speakers first make people feel bad about their lack of achievement (-) and later promise to improve their productivity (+). And thus they create an asymmetry which widens the gap from neutral gaps.
Step 4. The Shift of the Neutral ‘0’
Like most things in life there is no One right answer here. We humans need both. Which is why the Abrahamic religions speak of both heaven and hell. Simultaneously motivating and menacing us towards their prescribed behavior. What you need to be aware of is that the band can SHIFT and call a new place '0'. Yes the base neutral area of 0 is different for everyone and it can shift for the same person over time.
When you are constantly being bombarded with negative influence, chances are the band now considers it the new 0 or neutral area. This is what happens when someone becomes numb to harsh parents or partners with time.
The same can happen for good feelings too, getting the 50 likes on social media were great for all of us in the beginning but soon they are the minimum requirements to feel just okay. Meaning the once great achievement is now the bare standard. And the past standard experience is now feeling very unpleasant.
Step 5: Going beyond- Introducing addition and subtraction in a single bit
A single decision can pull you into different directions, i.e. conflicting feelings. I was recently reading Awareness, by the Indian Jesuit priest and psychotherapist Anthony De Mello. Here is a place he goes on to discuss how we evaluate all of our decisions. One striking example went somewhat like this thought experiment:
Think of someone you love very much, someone you’re close to, someone who is precious to you. Once you have the image in mind, imagine that you are told to pick only one of two options. Option A. You leave this person forever and you are granted all the happiness. Option B. You stick with this person and you never experience any joy again. What would you choose? What would you SAY you would choose if that person was right beside you looking at your decision?
It is a bit puzzling, according to all the discussion so far, all the happiness should be a very big positive value like +100 at least. And never experiencing joy should be counted as -100, yet why is it so difficult to choose happiness (Option A) in this experiment? The answer is in realizing the conflicting feelings attached to a single task. Here, when you choose Option A, on the inside the usual person has the following equation:
Total (A)= +100 (for happiness) -150 (the guilt of abandoning the loved one) = -50
When the guilt or shame in choosing your own happiness is too much, ultimately you are still choosing what suits you best, and going for sacrifice instead.
So for the one taking Option B: Total (B) = -100 (no joy ever) +150 (the pride and satisfaction of sacrificing for loved one) = +50
See how choosing no happiness was more positive of a feeling for this person than choosing their own happiness? This is what happens to a lot of us. No need to think we are saints, it is just how we derive our kind of ‘positive’ states.
Of course, this calculation differs from person to person, and each does their calculation on their own numbers, and whatever the result is - they will act accordingly.
Conclusion: What do you do with this then?
Well if you have read this far, and have grasped what I am saying, you should take stock of the average way you feel most of the days. Maybe it is something you are doing, seeing, or a kind of influence someone else has on you that is keeping you at a certain state. Be aware of the kind of influence you respond to first, and your life will have more of the kind of things you want. If you are feeling lethargic and want someone to spar you onto the road more often, then perhaps you should stop paying heed to all the people who praise you way more than you need. If you are constantly feeling down, maybe you pay less heed to the influencers who think making you feel guilty is the best way to make you work. If you respond to positive words faster for a change, you will see the people around you changing their approach to you without you ever having to spell it out for them.
No one can actually manipulate your feelings unless you are complicit in it. Unless you dwell on the guilt or promises anyone wants to influence you with, you simply will not feel compelled to follow through for long enough - due to the rubber band going back to neutrality.
And most importantly, in your heart, remember to keep a good balance of love & fear, heaven & hell, plus and minus to keep you steady.
Hope this was of help. Feel free to comment or inbox me with any suggestions.
Radi Shafiq
Dhaka, Bangladesh
Drafted on 24 June 2020
Thanks for proof-reading this: Raka, Tanay, Surobi, Jhilik, Ava, Rifat, Saquib, Tanu, Fuad.